How (Not) to Flirt with Women

Okay so I’m pretty sure almost all women have been hit on by creepy guys at least once in their lives and sadly probably many, many more times. While most of these guys are genuinely nice and friendly sadly some of them are just seriously creepy in their bizarre attempts to score a date or whatever else they’re after. I thought I’d put together a guide of how* to flirt with women, to help out all those guys in need.

1. Slowly cruise by in your car shouting things like ‘hey sexy’ and ‘damn girl’

2. Ruffle her hair – bonus points if she’s obviously spent ages styling it

3. Tell her she looks tired/ill when she isn’t wearing makeup – we love being told our natural state looks ugly

4. BEEP YOUR HORN REALLY LOUDLY WHEN YOU SEE HER IN THE STREET

5. Tell her hilarious jokes like ‘women belong in the kitchen’ and ‘make me a sandwich’ – all the LOLs

6. Insist on buying her a drink/dinner and then keep making ‘jokes’ about how she owes you

7. Grab her butt without permission – ooh strangers sexually assaulting us is so hot

8. ‘You’re not one of those feminazis are you?’

9. Swagger over to her drunk and then immediately spill your drink down her, we love smelling like beer and having a big yellow stain down our dress, so chic

10. Ask us on a date and then play on your phone aaaaallllll the way through it. What’s insulting about you preferring to  stalk some other girl’s Instagram rather than talk to us? Nothing.

11. ‘Oh so you’re a lesbian? You just haven’t met the right guy yet, let me change that…’

12. ‘You’re kinda cute’ ‘I’m not interested sorry’ ‘GOOD BECAUSE YOU’RE UGLY AND FAT ANYWAY’

13. SEND HER DICK PICS! There is nothing we like more than having these monstrosities beautiful things thrust into our inboxes with no warning or consent. Who wouldn’t want to see one glaring at them when they casually check their phone on a Tuesday evening? Weirdos, that’s who.

14. Set ‘Blurred Lines’ as your ringtone, it sends out allll the right signals and doesn’t sound rape-y at all.

15. Actually, make sure you quote Robin Thicke as often as possible – he makes us feel safe, we’re way more likely to go home with you if you’re telling us things like ‘I know you want it’ *shivers*

16. If she doesn’t reply to your first text in 2 minutes, send another one, keep repeating until she sends you nudes. Send 200 ‘hey sexy ;)’s if you have to. We love this kind of persistence and it isn’t creepy and or obsessive at all. Never. Give. Up.

17. Tell her you only shower once a week and think deodorant is overrated, we like our men rough ‘n’ ready, none of that new age shower gel malarky.

18. If you’ve followed all the steps you should be WELL in there by now. Finish off by proposing and  going on Don’t Tell the Bride (don’t forget to include everything she hates and not inviting any of her friends/relatives). Consider choosing her an orange wedding dress, we like to be original.

#nailedit

*not. (please don’t ever do any of these things to anyone ever)

What do you think? Have you had any guys do/say any of these to you? Think these are actually exactly the kind of ways you like guys to come onto you? (please say no!) Got any funny dating stories? Let me know in the comments! xx